Most people confuse an “approach” with a single tactic or set of tactics for addressing behaviour problems. Parents need access not just to one or two but a large collection of tactics if they are to manage problems successfully.
A good tactic will:
1- Either preserve order and safety for the short-term, or promote long-term development
2- Not undermine one goal such as preserving order and safety, or promoting development while accomplishing the other.
It is not necessary for a single tactic to both solve short-term problems and support long-term development; sometimes you need to have your child take a break to preserve order, even though he learns nothing for the long term. It is the mix of tactics you use throughout the early childhood years that must serve both short- and long-term goals.
There are three types of behaviour management tactics:
- Prevention tactics are intended to head off behaviour problems and parent-child battles before they get out of hand or ideally before they begin, as when you keep paper and crayons in your handbag to occupy a child who has to wait.
- Guidance tactics show misbehaving children better ways to act, and teach them lessons that will help prevent or limit problems in the future, as when you help siblings come up with a rule for taking turns.
- Control tactics are for controlling children immediately, as when you hold a child who’s about to hit another.
With the proactive parenting approach , parents mix and match tactics from each group to meet anticipated challenges and respond to unexpected problems.
Prevention Tactics
As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but prevention is not magic. It takes tons of thoughtfulness, energy, and humour to make that ounce of prevention. The good news is that the more you practice prevention, the better you get at it. The better news is that over time your child also gets better at anticipating and avoiding potential problems.
The first step in preventing problems is to develop routines and habits of behaviour for ourselves as well as our children that limit the stress, anxiety, and hurry that lead to problems. The second step is carrying out necessary tasks as smoothly and happily as possible. The third is anticipating situations where specific problems tend to happen, and acting to head them off or to limit their bad consequences.
There are some tactics that follow logically from experts’ pearls of wisdom: general rules that fit almost any home situation. And there are some tactics “diamonds” that parents find after mining their own situation and attending to their specific circumstances. Three important pearls of wisdom for preventing behaviour problems have to do with transitions, forecasting, and organizing the home so as to promote constructive activity.
A simple and time tested rule is to give warnings before transitions, “Five minutes until teeth brushing”, “Ten more minutes and we have to leave”. While most parents know this, it is often forgotten as we get caught up in the telephone calls, laundry, and other tasks and distractions of family life. Lack of warning often leads to conflicts and problems that could have been prevented, and that contribute further to our feelings of tension and frustration.
Another general rule is “forecasting”, getting children to think ahead about what is to come. On the way to a restaurant, a parent can forecast that there will be waiting, and perhaps have a child decide beforehand what to order. Similarly, on the way to a toy store, a parent can forecast what is to happen: picking out a small treat for the child and a larger birthday gift for the child’s friend.
A third rule has to do with “organizing settings” to promote constructive activity by giving children playthings that can engage them for long periods of time such as blocks, dollhouses, crayons, or other art materials. Organizing the setting also means providing labelled storage bins so children can initiate play on their own and clean up afterward. Many parents overlook this pearl because they have not thought about how to organize their home to promote constructive activity.
Parents constantly add to experts’ pearls of wisdom by using the knowledge they have of their particular child and home to find and adapt tactics to their own situations. This tactic is called diamonds. Diamonds are often found when you have analyzed problem-prone situations- getting dressed in the morning, going out to eat, or taking long trips in the car-and thought about your own child’s interests, temperament, challenges, and strengths.
At first glance, diamonds appear simple, but they are both thought-full and specific.
Guidance Tactics
Guidance tactics are a central ingredient in a positive parenting approach. We are guiding when we act to increase children’s understanding of adults’ expectations, when we help them to think about how to pursue their own goals in ways that do not conflict with our expectations, and when we take the time to teach and promote more mature behaviour. For every young children, guidance may simply mean redirecting their attention; for older children with more cognitive maturity, it may include a simple discussion of the problem and alternatives for handling it.
Parents who are good at using guidance tactics do not just repeat “I expect you to sit still”: they provide children with specific information, models, and options. When a child misbehaves, the guiding caregiver tries to focus on the positive choices that the child can make to fix the problem, rather than on misbehaving itself.
Problem solving. Many guidance tactics stimulate the thinking behind problem solving. Young children are only beginners at problem solving, and find it particularly tough when they are experiencing strong emotions such as anger. In fact, many times adults forget how to do this themselves. Parents can help by acknowledging the feelings, and talking through the problem solving process to give their child a model to follow.
Control Tactics
At certain moments, you may not have the freedom or emotional capacity to be concerned with long-term development. You are only concerned with getting your child to clean up, sit down, or stay safe. In those moments you need to use control tactics to get your child to behave “right now”. Directives, negative consequences, rewards, and physical interventions are some of the different types of control tactics that parents and caregivers use.
Directives such as “Stop Running”, “Pick up your coat”, and “Sit in your chair” control children by telling them what to do and what not to do. The advantages of using directives are clear. They are fast and simple.
We need only say what we want or refer to known rule.
Directives work best when you have established a climate of cooperation, where your child trusts you to direct her in her best interests as well as your own. Directives also work best when your child knows that, if necessary, you will back them up with more powerful controls. To ensure follow-through, use directives sparingly.
It is better for parents try rephrasing directives to emphasize the need rather than the imperative: “You need to sit down” may garner cooperation, whereas “Sit down” invites challenge.
Negative consequences are powerful controls. By negative consequences, we mean results children do not want, such as putting a toy away when they can not share it, or going home when they can not be pleasant in public. The removal of a child to solidarity spot for a specific period-sometimes called “time-out” is a particular type of negative consequence.
Rewards, or the promise of rewards, are also powerful controls. Used thoughtfully and systematically, they can help redirect even the strongest willed child But since redirection is not the same as supporting the development of children’s self-control, they too, should not be overused.
Rewards can be confusing if they are offered in times of conflict.
If it appears that children are being rewarded for stopping a particular misbehaviour, they may learn to misbehave in order to get a reward. Rewards are more effective when they are linked to positive actions, as opposed to the termination of negative actions, and are planned in advance.
One of the most powerful rewards is praise, such as “You did a great job of brushing your teeth”. Praise works so well because it meets several key criteria : It can be given immediately after the behaviour you wish to reinforce. Children never get tired of it. Finally, its value is proportional to the behaviour your are rewarding.