Because we tend to focus on the people in our family, it is easy to miss the importance of the family context. Routines or their absence are a critical element of the context of family life. They greatly influence how family members get along. There are four situations where routines are especially usefull:
- The morning
- Coming home after work and school
- Dinnertime
- Bedtime.
Routines make parent’s life much easier. The more the parent is struggling with children the less they will enjoy them, and the less time and energy the parent will have for playing with or teaching children.
The amount of time the parent spend with children is not the best indicator of how well that child will do. More important are the parent availability when the child needs the parent. If a parent’s availability or management is compromised by emotional problems such as depression or by life circumstances such as travelling extensively for work, then that can have substantial adverse effects on children. If a parent can not be physically present, it is important to ensure that all caregivers in the child’s life are emotionally supportive, and able to mange the child’s environment and routines.
Routines are the foundation of a child’s day. The order and predictability that stems from routines and rituals make children feel safe and secure. Creation of routines and rituals are among the most important proactive strategies available to the parent. Unlike even the best strategies for reacting to problems, they help prevent problems in the first place. Once created, routines take on a life of their own within the family culture. The best routines are those that are enjoyable and meet the needs of the family. They are easy to maintain because every is invested in keeping them going. Children specially depend on rituals and routines to help them handle everyday transitions, which are potential sources of stress.
The Morning Routine:
Getting children out in the morning can be one of the most stressful parts of the day. Each family member has her own morning style and issues. Rather than continue the anger and frustration, this is an ideal time to try proactive strategies to make things go more smoothly. Parents should set aside a quiet time to identify bottlenecks and irritants in their routine and brainstorm ideas for improvements.
Returning Home:
Each family has different priorities and different tolerance for mess, noise and such. Aside from safety, the details of one family’s system versus another’s do not matter much What is critical is setting up systems and routines for the things your family finds important.
Managing Mealtime Chaos:
There are different routines parents can follow to either teach their kids social manners, or to make dinner time pleasurable. Parents sometime assign children appropriate jobs for their ages, and sometime parents teach children social skills and manual respect and help keep them occupied and seated at the table.
Bedtime Routine:
Bedtime is a chance to unwind and gain closure to the day. But more important, it is a time to reconnect with the child. Bedtime is the best time where parents and children have their best conversations and greatest physical closeness. Because they are relaxed, children open up about experiences and feelings that they rarely, if ever, share during the day. This exchange of love is important for the long term well-being of the child, but also is also helps the child through the long transition until the morning. Most of the world’s children sleep near or with their parents, we suspect that children are wired to seek this kind of closeness. Because Americans usually opt to separate sleeping arrangements, it is all the more important to connect with our kids emotionally and physically at this critical time.
Maintaining Routines when the parent is away:
Of course, the oil that makes family routines run smoothly is how they are implemented. All rituals are helped along by a combination of the structure and emotional support the parent provide for the child Structure:
- Preparing the child for what is coming next.
- Explanations that are tailored to the child’s level of understanding.
- Firmness in implementing limits Support:
- Following the child’s lead.
- Flexibility to adapt needs.
- Positive tone and praise.
What happens, then, if work, illness, or other factors make it impossible for the parent to participate in the routine ?. The key is selecting caregivers who have the necessary child care skills to provide that structure and support.