Equally important, it is not helpful to children to eliminate disagreements between parents. In our society, we value standing up for what we believe and working out our differences in fair and respectful ways. When parents hide disagreements, children lose the opportunity to learn constructive ways of resolving them.
There two kinds of arguments, constructive arguments and destructive arguments and there are 4 different qualities that distinguish constructive arguments from destructive ones:
- The way in which you argue
- The topic about you argue
- The resolution of the argument
- The emotional climate in the home between disagreements.
The Way in which you argue:
The way of argument should be clean and respective, not hitting below the belt. Parents should not swear or character assassinate like saying “you are a no-good, you are lier and so on”. Parents should not scream, physical threats or use sarcasm.
The Topic about you argue:
Parents should not argue about children or about their child rearing When children witness their parents arguing about them, they feel much more threatened and distressed, because the parents are in effect saying that they do not know how to deal with their children. Arguments about the children also tend to make the kids feel guilty.
The resolution of the argument:
How parents resolve their arguments has the greatest effect on children. If parents can not work in their differences at the moment, they should put their conflict aside and work together. In doing so they would teach their children a valuable lesson. When people disagree, they get past it, and still be loving and giving. By contrast, when there is no resolution to the argument, the parents have emotionally separated themselves and are not speaking. While it is comforting to imagine that children wont notice this “Silent treatment” between parents, it is actually quit distressing to kids.
The emotional climate in the home between disagreements:
Closely associated with parents’ ability to resolve conflict is the atmosphere they create in the home at times when there is no conflict.
The value of positive emotion in the home after an argument is extremely important. Arguments that are constructive for parents, and good models for children, most often happen against a generally positive emotional background. This can be brought out by humour, as well as by positive comments. These grease the wheels of interaction and make every thing easier, whether it be enforcing a rule which your child or making up with your partner. Most important they take the edge off the conflicts.
Destructive arguing can have negative effects on children. These effects can range from withdrawal to acting out and aggression, sometimes even bullying. Particularly common consequences of enduring conflict are children’s fearfulness including fears that parent will leave, and physical complaints such as headaches and stomach aches that result from emotional stress.
Parents arguing can break the united front. United front is extremely important, it allows your child to forge a close relations with both parents. When parents are openly in conflicts, children feel forced to choose sides. They can only be loyal to one parent, and they suffer from the stress that this choice creates.
To find out if parental arguing effect the child, the parent should look at:
- What the child does during, and immediately after the conflict
- What the child says directly or indirectly about the conflict.
Children have many ways of telling parents about how parents are affecting them. Some children tell the parent directly “Daddy, I feel scared when you and Mommy yell”. Much more often, they tell the parent indirectly, by playing with dolls or imaginary friends, re-enacting elements of the parent’s argument.