At ages two or three, a friend can be someone who is playing alongside you whose name you may not know. To a child a this stage, a friend is “someone I play with”. Friendship is more often a matter of convenience than selection: Children who live near each other or whose parents often socialize will become “friends”
Friendly relationships among two-and three-year-olds involve basic give-and-take: chasing each other up and down they yard, all the while smiling and laughing to show that it is just play. It is important that the chaser sometimes becomes the chased because then you know the children are taking roles that fit together. The roles are simple and concrete and do not call for much imagination.
Another way to create interaction between young children is to give them a large piece of paper, allowing each to start his drawing on a different part. But do not expect two-year-olds or many three-year-olds to negotiate or share: they often grap what they want, or give in quickly.
Toddlers behave differently with familiar playmates, who can be considered first friends. For example, when a child says “Me-and-Tim want ices cream” running together his name and his friend’s, it shows he views the two of them as a set.
You can also see the evolution of friendship in how children choose what to do at the start of preschool day. Does Joe go to the building toy section to work on a tower, or because he wants to be next to Mary ? It is the activity, or the closeness to a friend? It is good sometimes to follow a friend, and other times to follow an interest.
Preschool friends (Ages Four to Six)
At this stage, children talk a lot about friendship. But the main purpose of friendship talk is getting play started: “Are you my friend ?” means “Will you play?” or “May I join you?”.
When a child says, “ You are not my friend”, that usually means “I am angry or I want to be alone” or “ I want to play with someone else right now”. A friend might be someone whom I like and play with today. Friends share food, toys, adventures, and perhaps the same adults. While preschool children are likely to develop an intimate relationship with one or two close friends, brief short-term friendships are established easily and often.
Like a younger child, a child of four or five may start off playing next to another, watching him play, or perhaps copying what he is doing. But this is now likely to lead to conversation and interactive play, with no adult encouragement needed.
Like most relationships, the friendships of preschool children often go through a “honeymoon” period. During this time, the friends may seem like each other’s shadow: whatever one child suggests, the other follows. Imitative play is an effective way to communicate, “ I want to be your friend.” It is less complicated than shared-fantasy play.
Friends this age often develop their own rituals and routines.
In time, most friendship become more challenging; back-and-forth bickering is common. Although parents may fins these squabbles hard to take, they are an essential part of developing a child relationship. They also help children establish their individual likes and dislikes At the same time, with some adult help, children can learn to appreciate each other’s different points of view and learn o cooperate and share.
By age six, friendship becomes qualitatively different. Friends do nice things for each other, from teaching a new game to sharing popcorn and later, sharing secrets and promises. Children now start to see friendships as lasting over time, and will talk about friends when they are not present. They are also more able to emphasize and take someone else’s perspective.